Where I'm Being Asked to Upgrade
Oh man. I’m “in it”. That messy and super uncomfortable place where every thing is out of my control, nothing is going to plan, and every upper limit is being tested.
And since I’m in it, I wanted to share exactly what that looks like for me right now to hopefully serve as valuable to you on your journey.
It’s easy on a conscious journey to attempt to bypass real life and feeling and use reasoning to try and exist “above it all” but we end up stealing our own joy and living on the surface by attempting this.
It’s a different kind of delusion than living outside of or unaware of growth consciousness. It’s consciously trying to not go through the ‘messy’ and ultimately not reap the rewards.
Let me pull back the curtain on these upgrades I’m currently in.
My beliefs that I’m not a business woman /can’t run a successful business, be a mother, and be free and happy all at the same time are being broken down. This one is really throwing me for a loop and I notice my mind putting out traps for me to get caught in believing I have to feel stressed, busy, overwhelmed, like there are a million things that need my attention all at once. No, I’m choosing overwhelm. And that’s uncomfortable to see and to watch myself play out. But I know to shed it I have to see it.
Financial limitations. Part of what I feel I’m being asked to do in this lifetime is go far beyond any financial limiting beliefs and find harmony with money. I let it scare me, limit me and frustrate me, make me feel small or valueless. I’m feeling and playing out beliefs of unworthiness and shame around being authentically seen and being valued for who I uniquely am. They are asking to be seen, for me to sit with them and let them try their hardest to control me. It’s so tricky when we can’t gauge progress with external results.
That inner world is ever evolving and stillness, listening, presence are the medicine that moves oceans within us. My mind wants to judge me and tell me nothing is changing but I know that’s not true. It’s so easy to trip yourself up when you don’t have clarity on something by making yourself believe you need clarity. Something I help clients navigate in consultations.
Home. This is my space of control. Where I try to play out every attempt at total life control possible. Some reflect beauty back to me by flowing seamlessly and other attempts crash and burn. I’m learning to trust that the systems in our home that want to exist will be easily formed and the ones not yet ready are teaching me to shed my judgement of chaos and learn to let go and laugh. man this one is hard for me. Because it feels so good when a system of efficiency in my home works well. To top this, being in a new home with boxes and unfinished spaces and no clear “end” in site - this really shakes up my happy bubble of control. Thank goodness. I know it will be so freeing once I shed a bigger layer of this and really become that vision of myself that flows with the day and creates and sees beauty amidst it all. She breathes deeply, she laughs powerfully, she is a force of ease not a force of control.
Work Ethic/deadlines/work in general. This one I’m still realllllllly turned around and upside-down by. Pushing my creations and work out in the world has, in the past, depleted me. And yet, as much as I want to trust my timing, the current timing isn’t feeling true either - it’s a bit like I’ve always got one foot on the brake. So I’m finding what speed feels like, clearly still very timid to let things move quickly (oh, hello again control). I believe there is a way to create with very little push (at least the day to day tasks like writing, sharing, connecting, a bit of admin) and you can let go of push when you can trust universal timing. Because suddenly it’s time to push and you do and it happens. So the push isn’t a strain as much as it is pulling the trigger and trusting when you hear the universe say, “Now!” over and over and over again. It’s a bit of focus practice. Like here’s the million things on your mind and on your plate and we’ll (the universe) tell you when to focus on pull the trigger on the next steps of each one. It’s about listening.
And that’s where I’m at as of early March.
What I love about sharing this all on this site is that time and time and time again it always comes back to the answer of listening. Listening to life communicate to and through you. It’s the answer every. single, time.
If we ever feel lost it’s only because we aren’t listening. We have to learn how to pick up our end of the phone and be there to listen and hear what life is saying. Because its always got the best support coming through and it wants you to know that it is within you.
I’d love to hear what upgrades you’re experiencing right now, what messages you’ve been receiving as insight and support from life, what questions or challenges you’re having as you are quieting and listening and anything that felt helpful reading this! You can share anything that feels true to share in the comments below.